False Teeth



Frazzled, Johnny yanks at the door of Edgar’s Bar and manages to pry it open just enough to weasel his way in, where he makes a staggering beeline for the bartender. 

“Three shots of whatever’s cheapest and closest.” 

The bartender chews at his toothpick a moment, judging the disheveled regular. 

“Fifteen bucks.”


Johnny slurps up each like a super charged hoover. 

He can hear his name being chanted from a distance. When he looks in the direction of the commotion he sees Theo making his way towards him, hands obnoxiously funnelled around his mouth, drawing more attention than Johnny would like. 

“Hey, you’re here. Wow, you look like dog shit. Come over, got these ladies here, maybe you could do your party trick. I just happen to have a ketchup pack right here.” Theo winks and slides the sachet across the bar to Johnny who palms it. 

“Let me just grab a beer first.” 


Shaking, Johnny places a hand on Theos shoulder and allows himself to be led to the table of barflies. 

“Are you ready for this ladies. This man is a magician. Not the gay kiddy party kid, I’m talking the Criss Angel, mind freak kinda stuff.” He points to Johnny with some exaggerated hand gestures.

“Take it away.”

Johnny takes a deep breath then shoves the unopened beer bottle in his mouth. He works the bottle back and forth, searching for the right spot. Tears start falling as he squeezes his eyes closed and bites down with a whimper. 

The bottles opens, he spits the cap onto the table, as well as a blackened tooth. 

Blood and beer foam streak the table, one of the swarm squeals, looking as though she might faint. The others roll their eyes and drag their semi unconscious friend away. 

“Dude your false teeth are on the other side! What’s wrong with you?” Theo says panicked, his eyes darting from his friends bloody face to the discarded tooth on the table in front of him.

Johnny is clearly relieved. “The whole left side of my face has been killing me for weeks. I’ve tried getting a dentist appointment but every place is booked. Last few days it’s felt like there’s a bloody nuclear reactor in my mouth.”

They both looked down at the charcoal colored tooth at the same time. 

“What’s that in the tooth? That’s a messed up looking filling.”

“That’s not a filling.”

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