Christmas by the Numbers

If my Valentine you won’t be, I’ll hang myself on your Christmas tree.

Ernest Hemingway

Tinsel around my neck
Hanging from your tree
My last Christmas wish
You’ll never forget about me.

Opposed to...
The sappy Hallmark holiday movies which only take two weeks to film...

2×4: the hallmark of (forgettable) quality

two hours
to watch
two minutes
to forget

But let's not forget the nearly 750 different versions of "Silent Night."

The happy Christmas elephant here
With a helpful reminder in the form of a rhyme:

Forget the two cents
Here’s a whole dime
When it comes to variety
Most is a waste of time.

Speaking of an unnecessary number, if you gave all the gifts listed in the "Twelve Days of Christmas," it would equal 364 presents.

(and you would receive the record for the largest number of useless gifts given.)

A gift for each day of the year
Though the majority are just plain shit
How about choosing a single gift
And putting some real thought into it

On the subject of uselessness...
There is a Christmas tree in Spain worth $15 million.

It was the heist of a century
An easy 15 mil
But the robbers soon realised
The payment was the thrill
They had overlooked
What anyone with taste could see
That even at a fraction of the price
No one would buy such a hideous tree

Here is a cheaper alternative.
The Christmas tree pickle is a tradition to keep eager kids calm on Christmas morning.

Fib: Hide the pickle (xxxmas edition)

Find
my
pickle
And you’ll get
yourself an EXTRA
Gift from Santa’s generous sack

It’s a real thing: Here

On a more savoury but sweet note, children have been leaving cookies and milk out for Santa since at least 1896.

Sugar and dairy
From every girl and boy
Perhaps leaving Santa an antacid
Might score you an extra toy

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Fun Word of the Day:
Phonomania:
An abnormal love of noise.
Also, homicidal mania.
Also, a pathological tendency to murder.
Eg: These Christmas carols are really awakening my phonomania.

A final reminder...
Tens of thousands of people go to the ER each year with decorating-related injuries.

Fell or pushed
It’s an emotional season
Try to chill out
And not give your family any more reason

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🎄Merry Christmas🎄

Take care out there

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