Irony

From even the greatest of horrors, irony is seldom absent.

H. P. Lovecraft

Did you know iron is the most common element on earth, the stuff is in everything?
Anyway, I’ve been really tired lately and today my doctor told me it’s because I need more iron.
Shellfish, spinach, organs; actual organs like a zombie. It sounded like a gross list to me, so I told him, I would rather die than eat that stuff.
I guess that makes this kind of funny. I went straight home from the doctor’s office to get ready for a date. My dress was a trashed-up ball on the floor – I’ve never been one for planning ahead.
In desperate need of the iron, I began searching frantically, but it was nowhere to be found. I went looking in the closet, not the usual place we put it, but everything seems to end up there. I found it, top shelf, I have my mother to thank for that.
I went to get the step ladder because I’m tiny, a special gift from my father, the shortest man on the planet.
But as I’m carrying my little ladder of shame back to the closet, I bump the door and the iron hinges give way. The door falls in slow motion back into the rows of shelves The shock knocks over a boxed set of cast iron silverware, which bumps into an iron lantern, the lantern topples a pair of iron candlesticks, freeing a bowling ball. I stare as it begins to roll, gaining speed as it careens into the upright iron.
I’m not doing this sequence of events justice, it was like an elaborate contraption by Rube Goldberg himself, perfectly planned and executed and beautiful to watch.
The iron falls, pointed tip lining up my shocked, wide open mouth.
I didn’t move, I stood, rooted, all 4 foot 2 of me marvelling as all this plays out above me.
In that moment of my imminent death, I thought, had I known it was literally eat iron or die, I would have been chowing down on a raw liver with my bare hands, and washing it down with crab juice for good measure.


Fun Iron Facts:

  • It’s the Sixth Most Common Element in the Universe.
  • It Was Originally Called Ferrum.
  • The First Workable Iron Came from Outer Space.
  • The Eiffel Tower’s Made from Wrought Iron.
  • Iron Is Vital for the Human Body.

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Original Published:
09.06.2019


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26 thoughts on “Irony

  1. Murdoch, now I am really worried about you my friend. You shocked me when you said your dress was ” a trashed up ball on the floor.” I never envisioned you wearing a dress. But hey…to each his own. I never wear a dress. Well…. on formal occasions…maybe a gown. But only if I have stiletto high heels to match. I worry about you Murdoch. WOW ! The IRONY of it all ! Honestly, I think we both could benefit from some serious professional counseling ! Also, thanks to you and Finlandia for taking in so many Russian people trying to flee the IRON CURTAIN ! However, I can think of one Russian that is in desperate need of some IRON BOOTS and a BOAT TRIP. It is all very sad…and IRONic ! Now I must go and IRON my gown.
    Your friend in French Polynesia, ( keep up the good work )
    marc

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is an old story I wrote before people knew my gender here on WordPress.
      I wanted to see if I could be convincing writing from a female perspective.
      I wore that dress and heels for months getting into character. Not sure it was worth it.
      I probably need some help 🤣
      It’s nice to see the cracks appearing in the iron curtain. Every day we hope for the end.
      Thanks, Marc, you too.
      mouse

      Like

      1. Every day I hope and pray for the end of Putin’s insanity. That will require the end of Putin.
        His WORLD TURNS ON 3 WORDS.
        SIC SEMPER TYRANIS LATIN FOR:
        DEATH TO TYRANTS !
        Just keep being you Murdoch ! That is good enough for me !
        Your friend, Marc

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It is starting to look that way. You can’t say the entire western world is satanic and get away with it.
        Time will tell.
        Stay true to yourself
        mouse

        Like

      3. Murdoch, you are braver than I am ! I would not attempt writing from a “female perspective.”
        Women are smarter than we are. Women are more complicated. The really smart women convince us that we , “men ” are smarter. I know, I married a smart one and have stayed with her and only her for
        FORTY TWO YEARS ! When we got married we made an agreement that I would make all the big decisions and she could make all the little decisions. After 42 years of marriage, we have not had a big decision yet ! LUCKY ME !
        Always your friend Murdoch !
        Marc

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I did choose a younger female. I doubt I could manage the intricacies of a full grown woman, even I don’t have the imagination for that.
        I know my wife is smarter than me and I think that is the secret to a long happy marriage. Woman knows best.
        I love that bug decision twist! May have to steal that for myself.
        mouse

        Like

    1. Hilarious! I’ve heard this before years ago but it wasn’t Gerard Hoffhung.
      I remember another similar in delivery about a gentleman writing a letter to Arnolds address how their bbq flavoured chips do not taste like a bbq.

      Like

    1. Interesting. In my mind she is dead, pondering her own demise. American beauty style. I never considered people would see this as a near miss story.
      Thanks for the insight.

      Liked by 1 person

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