The Abridged Epic Ballad Of The Loch Ness Monster

It is unknown when the first was born
But legend says there is only ever one
The depths churned and birthed from the earth
A ‘monster’ more elusive than the Scottish sun

What remains of the story is written here
Of the mystical creature feared dead long ago
So gather around young and old and hear
The tale that folklore does not want you to know

The Highlands were his initial home
When Inverness was still open sea
Then waters rose, he was trapped in Loch Ness
Four hundred years yearning to be free

As towns and people began to invade
Reports of his existence come to light
His peace and solitude were taken away
And they stalked him day and night

Caught skinny dipping, they did more than peek,
A picture was taken and people freaked
He wanted to be famous but not that way
His decision was made when the photo leaked

“I will go to a place,” he said
“Where creatures of the night should be”
So Nessie packed up his bags
And he moved to New York City

He travelled under an alias
Stanley Eisen or nesie backwards
Clearly he wasn’t much of a speller
But it was enough to escape the hordes

[ 12 Pages missing. Washing machine redacted ]

Water logged ears couldn’t stop our boy
Music was his love, so began the plan
He bought a guitar as soon as he could
And started the search for a band

Rainbow, but not that Rainbow
Is where he found his first space
Then uncle Joe, then post war baby boom
Before a friend showed him the right place

[ 6 Pages lost backstage during a Hulk Hogan roid rage rampage ]

He met his match in Chaim aka Gene
The Great space lizard, the demon thrill
Wicked Lester wanted him in
Hotter than hell and dressed to Kill

Criss they found in a Rolling Stone ad
Frehley was added after a short delay
So is the beginning of the dynasty
The band Kiss was formed that day

[ 4 Pages lost during bar fight with anti-aquatic-semites ]

Electrifyingly driven meaty hooks
With the ability to instill love
They could hypnotise a crowd with music alone
As if contracted by a power from above

[ 3 pages missing due to pyrotechnics accident ]

Their raw power did not go unnoticed
Recruitment agents had their visions
The potential of these four boys.
Would be perfect for planet saving missions

[ 133 Pages removed for national security ]

Crazy Nights spent with reptile queens
Hot in the Shade, if you know what I mean
“Lick It Up now dirty rock star” she screamed
Stanley (Nessie) licked it clean

[ 9 Pages lost fleeing the reptile queen’s sex dungeon ]

The Carnival of Souls, the final sessions
On the moons of Beth (which smell like shit)
Our heroes quickly dispatched the Psycho Circus
The clown posse vowed revenge but never got it

[ 14 Pages lost in active volcano while vanquishing ice demogorgon ]

Heaven’s on fire as our heroes ascend
Sending The Destroyer to his infernal doom
Back to the asylum forever
They return to earth with a godly sonic boom

[ 27 Pages lost outside nebula vorax fighting a giant space weevil ]

A fall from grace was inevitable
Unmasked, our disgraced monsters carried on
All hope looked to be gone
This mission could be their last one

Never to rock and roll over
Gene bloodied and beaten raised a hand
“I’m not going to make it Stan,
Animalize Nessie, time to make our final stand”

It’s time to rock and roll bitch, he thought
With a stutter, Stanley fired the Love Gun
Bathed in bloody glory, honour restored
This was just the beginning of the Kiss fun

[ 666 Pages lost at the gates of Hades rocking cerberus to sleep ]

Our heroes, our selfless soldiers recognised
In a statement clear and terse
The Elder granted them the highest honour
Reserved for a select few of the universe

Demon, Space Ace, Catman and our Star Child
Inducted into the eternal starry night
Knights of the Interdimensional Secret Service
KIϟϟ can retire after years fighting the good fight

The final tour of our monster rock gods
What happens now is anyone’s guess
Is this the end of the road?
Will it lead back to Loch Ness?

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Thank you to:

Harley Unhinged
For the writing prompt/challenge 😉