The Abridged Epic Ballad Of The Loch Ness Monster


It is unknown when the first was born

But legend says there is only ever one

The depths churned and birthed from the earth

A ‘monster’ more elusive than the Scottish sun


What remains of the story is written here 

Of the mystical creature feared dead long ago

So gather around young and old and hear

The tale that folklore does not want you to know


The Highlands were his initial home

When Inverness was still open sea

Then waters rose, he was trapped in Loch Ness

Four hundreds yearning to be free


As towns and people began to invade 

Reports of his existence come to light

His peace and solitude were taken away

And they stalked him day and night


Caught skinny dipping, they did more than peek,

A picture was taken and people freaked 

He wanted to be famous but not that way

His decision was made when the photo leaked


“I will go to a place,” he said 

“Where creatures of the night should be”

So Nessie packed up his bags

And he moved to New York City 


He travelled under an alias

Stanley Eisen or nesie backwards

Clearly he wasn’t much of a speller 

But it was enough to escape the hordes


[ 12 Pages missing. Washing machine redacted ] 


Water logged ears couldn’t stop our boy 

Music was his love, so began the plan

He bought a guitar as soon as he could

And started the search for a band 


Rainbow, but not that Rainbow 

Is where he found his first space

Then uncle Joe, then post war baby boom

Before a friend showed him the right place 


[ 6 Pages lost backstage during a Hulk Hogan roid rage rampage ] 


He met his match in Chaim aka Gene 

The Great space lizard, the demon thrill

Wicked Lester wanted him in

Hotter than hell and dressed to Kill


Criss they found in a Rolling Stone ad

Frehley was added after a short delay

So is the beginning of the dynasty

The band Kiss was formed that day


[ 4 Pages lost during bar fight with anti-aquatic-semites ] 


Electrifyingly driven meaty hooks

With the ability to instill love

They could hypnotise a crowd with music alone

As if contracted by a power from above


[ 3 pages missing due to pyrotechnics accident ] 


Their raw power did not go unnoticed 

Recruitment agents had their visions

The potential of these four boys. 

Would be perfect for planet saving missions


[ 133 Pages removed for national security ] 


Crazy Nights spent with reptile queens

Hot in the Shade, if you know what I mean

“Lick It Up now dirty rock star” she screamed

Stanley (Nessie) licked it clean


[ 9 Pages lost fleeing the reptile queen’s sex dungeon ] 


The Carnival of Souls, the final sessions 

On the moons of Beth (which smell like shit) 

Our heroes quickly dispatched the Psycho Circus

The clown posse vowed revenge but never got it


[ 14 Pages lost in active volcano while vanquishing ice demogorgon ] 


Heaven’s on fire as our heroes ascend

Sending The Destroyer to his infernal doom

Back to the asylum forever

They return to earth with a godly sonic boom 


[ 27 Pages lost outside nebula vorax fighting a giant space weevil ] 


A fall from grace was inevitable 

Unmasked, our disgraced monsters carried on

All hope looked to be gone

This mission could be their last one


Never to rock and roll over 

Gene bloodied and beaten raised a hand

“I’m not going to make it Stan, 

Animalize Nessie, time to make our final stand” 


It’s time to rock and roll bitch, he thought

With a stutter, Stanley fired the Love Gun

Bathed in bloody glory, honour restored

This was just the beginning of the Kiss fun


[ 666 Pages lost at the gates of Hades rocking cerberus to sleep ] 


Our heroes, our selfless soldiers recognised 

In a statement clear and terse

The Elder granted them the highest honour

Reserved for a select few of the universe


Demon, Space Ace, Catman and our Star Child

Inducted into the eternal starry night

Knights of the Interdimensional Secret Service 

KIϟϟ can retire after years fighting the good fight


The final tour of our monster rock gods

What happens now is anyone’s guess 

Is this the end of the road? 

Will it lead back to Loch Ness? 



Thank you to:

Harley Unhinged

For the writing prompt/challenge 😉

21 thoughts on “The Abridged Epic Ballad Of The Loch Ness Monster

      1. Millions of writers around the world?
        The Queen? Since JK is younger and richer.
        Probably a few other people.

        I enjoyed writing this, I was just hoping to share it with a few more people 💚


    1. Thank you so much! Most fun I’ve had with a post in a long time.
      If it wasn’t for you this would have never been written 💚

      (I did a couple touch ups, spelling etc from the copy I sent you)


      1. It came out so amazing! Genuinely, I loved reading it so much. I crack up every time. Feel free to come to me for the most random challenges whenever cuz you knocked it out of the park!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you 😊 I wrote it with you in mind. I’ve been to Loch Ness and I was raised on kiss so it was right in my wheelhouse. I don’t know if I’ll get that lucky again but I’m always up for a challenge.

        I was expecting a Halloween post from you last night, or maybe a costume pic with your own personal make up. Something coming?
        Did you go out trick or treating?


      3. I wish I had something coming or something planned! I dressed up for work, got off at 2, and pretty much did nothing. You have inspired me to make a Nessie kiss mask though, if I ever have time. At the very least the sculpt of it, even if I dont turn it into a mask.

        Did you all dress up?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I read your post, Harley Quinn. Which incarnation did you dress as?
        I’d be curious to see what that mask looks like. The spaceman, star child, demon, cat man and the monster. It would fit so well.

        Halloween isn’t big here. No dress up. Worked all day then straight home to the kids, who are to small to eat candy ☹️
        Not a single trick or treater all night.


      5. I did my own incarnation since I don’t like the suicide squad one. I have a giant closet full of all the red and black! I wore a red and black mini dress with a red and black petticoat, some harlequin printed knee high socks, spiked 6 inch stilettos, and my hair in teased pigtails with a headband that had the jester hat. For makeup i did one eye red, one eye black, hearts under one eye and black diamonds under the other, and some lipstick.

        I would have posted a pic but I have a stalker ex, so I most likely won’t post selfies on my blog any time soon. Not that I take any, lol.

        Thats so sad. You should have just decorated your restaurant and made your own halloween. You could have had a little plastic remy the rat in your chef coat!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Sounds awesome I was wondering if you had the jester style hat.
        6 inch heels!!! Damn girl 🤣 accessories and weapons.

        You are the third woman this week who has mentioned a stalker. I’m finding it more difficult each day to have any respect for my gender.

        Nice. Last year we had pumpkins and spiderwebs. No such luck this year. Try to keep the rodents to a minimum at work 😉


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